A Day in The Life – loving, learning, helping my BiPolar Son

Reality sucks tonight.  I faced most parents biggest fear, especially that of a bipolar child, suicide.  I walked in from work tonight to find a note from my son, it said, I’m sorry, instantly I knew what he had done.  It said please leave my private stuff alone and I am sorry and love you mom.

I rushed into his room to find him sleeping.  I tried to wake him and barely managed to get a leave me alone from him.  I then saw several bottles of my medications for chronic pain and muscles spasms empty by his bed.  He had taken enough to kill himself.

I tried again to wake him to no avail.

I called 911 and most of the new few hours and up until now really I was in a strange fog.  The police showed up in what seemed like forever, most likely ten minutes and then an ambulance arrived.  I couldn’t watch as they picked him up and put in on the stretcher.  I stood in the kitchen out of view and told the police what had been going on.  I had been trying to get him emergency treatment for his bipolar disease to no avail the past few weeks.  He desperatly needed medication but without insurance I couldn’t get him in anywhere.

I told them what he took and then was told to follow the police to the nearest hospital.

An hour later I was told that he had been stabilized.  I was able to let out the breath I had been holding, wondering was it too late to help him.

Then I sat for another 2 hours waiting to see him.  I was told the police would come talk to me, they told me a State Trooper had to speak with him, they were Baker acting him, putting him in the mental health system becuase he had attempted suicide.  I was fine with that hoping he would finally get the help he needed.

I sat for another hour and no one ever came out to talk to me.  When I asked the desk they said the officer had just left.  He never came to talk to me to let me know what was happening.

The saddest part as a mother is that becuase my son just turned 18 he was allowed to say if he wanted a visitor or not.  He chose not to see me at all.  This was heartbreaking.  Seeing him close to dead then not being able to see him at all was so difficult for me.  I have to understand he is angry and disappointed that he didn’t succeed.  He must have me for calling an ambulance and having him placed in the hospital.  I can’t image that he thought I would just let him go so easily.

I was so thankful that I hadn’t worked late tonight as I had often done the past week.  He must have hoped that by the time I got home he would be gone already.

I am sure I am rambling but I still can’t fathom all that has happened in the last seven hours.  I was told that he will be transferred to a mental health hospital within 4-6 hours since he had been cleared by the hospital.  That was all I was told.

When I finally arrived home within the last hour I checked my messages for some reason and was sickened to find one from him.  I must have been left shortly after he took the medicines.  To hear his voice after knowing what had happened tonight was saddening, more than I can describe.  He told me how sorry he was and that he wasn’t doing this to hurt me but he just couldn’t take the pain anymore.  He said several times that he was sorry and that he loved me, then he asked that I bury him next to his father who died when he was just 5, and his sister of just 23 that died 2 years ago.  He wanted this to be final so badly.

Now I will try to rest for a few hours.  I can call the hospital around 2-4 pm so see if and where he was transferred to.  All I can think about is that he will be so angry to be there and he will wish he had a pack of smokes and his cd player.  He loves his music, coffee, smokes and a blank pad of paper.  He is a writer and it is his only passion.

I pray more than anything that he will allow me to see him tomorrow.  We are so close and the thought of not seeing him after such an ordeal kills me.  You see, I overdosed several times when I was 13-15 so I know how he is feeling to wake up and realize that you didn’t die, but have awoken in a new kind of hell.  One where others don’t think you have a right to die.

I am so sad tonight and starting this blog will help me cope.  I don’t know what else to do except to pray and journal.

Peace to all,
Rebecca – His mom x0×0

To my son, I love you more than I ever imagined loving anyone.

My son refuses to see a dr or take any medication for his bipolar disease. I hate the word disease. I read several medical journal articles last night about the use of Omega 3 fish oil supplements helping the symptoms of bipolar disease. One of the cases stated that it was almost if not more effective than taking Lithium (tried before to horrible side effects). I also read that along with taking B and C supplements that it can help relieve a great deal of his symptoms, along with the anxiety.

I am going to pick up the supplements now and he has somewhat agreed to take them since they are not prescribed and he won’t feel as much like a freak so he says.

The thought of having to take medicine for the rest of his life is too much for him now. Maybe taking something that is over the counter won’t seem as bad. I am never advising anyone not to take their prescribed meds, I am only stating what my son is choosing to do.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca

My son has turned 18 so I no longer have any control over his taking his meds or seeing a doctor.  He had such a bad experience with a dr that he refuses counceling and I don’t blame him.

He has been sleeping for the past 24 or more hours, waking only to get a drink then back to bed.  He is so depressed that he never sees anything changing.

It is breaking my heart more each day to see someone I love so much struggling.  The past year has been so hard on him and I feel I have failed as his mother.  If only love were enough.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca

My son has crashed as we call it and I am struggling to understand once again why did he become/have Bipolar Disease?

Today’s battle is that we had to recently more and no longer have any health insurance, my son hasn’t been on medication for years but it is very apparent that he can’t cope any longer without them.  He refused to take medication a few years ago insisting that he didn’t feel he should have to change who he was.  Now, years later he can’t take the plummeting depressions and has told me he doesn’t want to die, he just wants the pain to go away.  That is normally all anyone wants and he wants it so badly.

So, again I am calling numbers to find free health care for my son and keep being told to call another number.  Once place we had an appointment with finally told me they had accidently overbooked the councelor and we had to move our appointment for another month.  Explaining how badly my son needed medication didn’t seem to matter.  This just makes matters worse for us at home.  Getting my son to agree to treatment of any kind is hard enough but now he feels completely blown off and that he doesn’t matter to anyone.

I have spent the other night up with my son letting him talk about his racing thoughts and depression, he described it like this, “Imagine the worst day of your life, (For him when his step sister died 2 years ago), now triple that pain and live through it every day of your life! That is how I feel most days.”

That statement stays with me most days, it is a reminder to me of how he is feeling.  Dealing with Bipolar for so many years now I freely admit sometimes I forget he is battling daily demons.  I go to work, do chores and such and relish his good and upbeat days, ones when he is happiest for him.  Then when he crashes like he does I remember, o yea, that shit again!

Love & Peace,
Rebecca

I would love for others to share here.  What helps, what hurts, how to you manage to keep going each day.  I would love stories from children up to ages 25 or so.  This will help me to better help my growing son who just turned 18, but all stories are welcomed, especially those from other parents as they try to help their children cope.

We will do anything for our children for that is all we know how to do.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca

BP Magazine Official Site

I always Love finding a great new resource and this looks like one.  Check it out, offers support and stories of others living with Bipolar Disorder.

Article – Bipolar Children are more creative than others – full article

My son has often made the above statement and I completely agree that he is very creative.  He taught himself how to program HTML when he was just ten.  They thought he was board in class and tested him to see if he had a learning disability and we discovered that his IQ was at 130 in around 6th grade.  He would later tell us he was just bored as a teacher taught them the same things over and over.

I strongly belive that in school we should be more focused on each individual child’s needs and building their strengths and passions, not just the needs.

This article is a great read about the topic of creativity in Bipolar individuals.  So when you have a hard time understanding your young child try and do what I do and focus on the fact that your child is indeed unique, not because they are Bipolar, but because not everyone can be as creative deep down as your child.  Find their passion, painting, writing, dancing, what ever if maybe and help them find ways to utilize that creative juice.

Writing has become one of my son’s passions and he just completed an entire screen play in 5 days, of course they were five high strung days but he was thrilled.  The sad part of the Bipolar illness was that after completing the screen play he crashed really, really bad and almost ripped it up, telling me, “It doesn’t matter what I do that makes me happy, I will always be depressed like this, it will never go away!”

Love them up, don’t ever let them feel alone.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca

The answer is because my head is going to explode if I do not begin writing about this topic that has weaved its way into every breath that I take. I have been struggling for the last few days, of course not as bad as my son is, because he is cycling so many times a day. For those visiting the blog I don’t have to explain cycling but for those who are new to this crazy illness, cycling means that he is on top of the world, can conquer anything in front of him and he is working out, reading, writing and functioning pretty good, then in minutes, he is depressed, sometimes suicidal, can’t get out of bed and every word that comes out of his mouth is depressing to both of us.

So, that is my reason for starting this blog. To find support for myself and add resources for others for that is the only thing I can think of to do at this moment. I will blog about his days and mine and what seems to help for the moment.

I know as a mother I should be looking at long term but dealing and surviving Bipolar up and downs keeps you focused on what will work for this moment.

Love & Peace,
Rebecca – his mom