A Day in The Life – loving, learning, helping my BiPolar Son

Reality sucks tonight.  I faced most parents biggest fear, especially that of a bipolar child, suicide.  I walked in from work tonight to find a note from my son, it said, I’m sorry, instantly I knew what he had done.  It said please leave my private stuff alone and I am sorry and love you mom.

I rushed into his room to find him sleeping.  I tried to wake him and barely managed to get a leave me alone from him.  I then saw several bottles of my medications for chronic pain and muscles spasms empty by his bed.  He had taken enough to kill himself.

I tried again to wake him to no avail.

I called 911 and most of the new few hours and up until now really I was in a strange fog.  The police showed up in what seemed like forever, most likely ten minutes and then an ambulance arrived.  I couldn’t watch as they picked him up and put in on the stretcher.  I stood in the kitchen out of view and told the police what had been going on.  I had been trying to get him emergency treatment for his bipolar disease to no avail the past few weeks.  He desperatly needed medication but without insurance I couldn’t get him in anywhere.

I told them what he took and then was told to follow the police to the nearest hospital.

An hour later I was told that he had been stabilized.  I was able to let out the breath I had been holding, wondering was it too late to help him.

Then I sat for another 2 hours waiting to see him.  I was told the police would come talk to me, they told me a State Trooper had to speak with him, they were Baker acting him, putting him in the mental health system becuase he had attempted suicide.  I was fine with that hoping he would finally get the help he needed.

I sat for another hour and no one ever came out to talk to me.  When I asked the desk they said the officer had just left.  He never came to talk to me to let me know what was happening.

The saddest part as a mother is that becuase my son just turned 18 he was allowed to say if he wanted a visitor or not.  He chose not to see me at all.  This was heartbreaking.  Seeing him close to dead then not being able to see him at all was so difficult for me.  I have to understand he is angry and disappointed that he didn’t succeed.  He must have me for calling an ambulance and having him placed in the hospital.  I can’t image that he thought I would just let him go so easily.

I was so thankful that I hadn’t worked late tonight as I had often done the past week.  He must have hoped that by the time I got home he would be gone already.

I am sure I am rambling but I still can’t fathom all that has happened in the last seven hours.  I was told that he will be transferred to a mental health hospital within 4-6 hours since he had been cleared by the hospital.  That was all I was told.

When I finally arrived home within the last hour I checked my messages for some reason and was sickened to find one from him.  I must have been left shortly after he took the medicines.  To hear his voice after knowing what had happened tonight was saddening, more than I can describe.  He told me how sorry he was and that he wasn’t doing this to hurt me but he just couldn’t take the pain anymore.  He said several times that he was sorry and that he loved me, then he asked that I bury him next to his father who died when he was just 5, and his sister of just 23 that died 2 years ago.  He wanted this to be final so badly.

Now I will try to rest for a few hours.  I can call the hospital around 2-4 pm so see if and where he was transferred to.  All I can think about is that he will be so angry to be there and he will wish he had a pack of smokes and his cd player.  He loves his music, coffee, smokes and a blank pad of paper.  He is a writer and it is his only passion.

I pray more than anything that he will allow me to see him tomorrow.  We are so close and the thought of not seeing him after such an ordeal kills me.  You see, I overdosed several times when I was 13-15 so I know how he is feeling to wake up and realize that you didn’t die, but have awoken in a new kind of hell.  One where others don’t think you have a right to die.

I am so sad tonight and starting this blog will help me cope.  I don’t know what else to do except to pray and journal.

Peace to all,
Rebecca – His mom x0×0

To my son, I love you more than I ever imagined loving anyone.